Love is difficult these days. Every study published agrees that marriage rates are falling, divorce rates are skyrocketing, and people seem unhappier than ever. Are we doomed to always fall out of love? Or have we forgotten? In his book The Art of Loving, Erich Fromm argues that love is not just a emotion, a feeling, but a conscious effort, something to be practiced and perfected. It’s an art. And like any art, it needs to be approached as something to be learned, understood, and practiced.
As much as I would like to cover the entire book, I would be doing a disservice to Mr. Fromm by attempting to sum up a 150+ page book in a few paragraphs, but I would like to cover one of the more elementary points he makes, one we can apply to our lives to really enrich and deepen them. Early in the book, Mr. Fromm takes time to explain what he sees as the four primary aspects of any form of love. These four aspects are at the core of love, it cannot exist without them, and if we understand what they are, we can begin to apply them to our relationships and deepen and improve them. They are care, responsibility, respect, and knowledge.
Care:
Care seems obvious, but a little introspection gives us even greater truths to plumb. Mr. Fromm uses the excellent analogy of a mother caring for her child. If she neglected the child, to fail to feed it, to fail to bathe it, or to fail to comfort it, she could never convince us she loved the child, because she failed to care for it. Care could almost be the core of love, but all four parts are equally important, all inter-relating.
Responsibility:
These days, responsibility is a burden. Something to be carried, a weight dragging us down. But responsibility is a great thing, it what seperates us from children. It’s a voluntary act, but often with consequences. The core of responsibility is the ability to respond to someone, to their needs. To love someone, is to be responsible for them, to respond to them.
Respect:
Respect, again, is obvious, but so many fail to respect the people they fall in love, and can never figure out why the feelings fade so quickly. But it goes deeper than that. Respect is being able to look at someone and see their unique individuality. If I love someone, I want them to grow and unfold in their way, not mine.
Knowledge:
Knowledge could cover its own entire article, but this is just an overview, unfortunately. Knowledge is again, obvious. You cannot love someone without knowing them, even at a surface level. The more you can know someone, the more you can love them, all the way down to their core. If I know someone, I know their moods, their emotions, and I can respond in a loving way.
While you can obviously take this into romantic relationships, and deepen the connection you have with your spouse or significant other, but I suggest applying it to all your relationships. With your parents, your children, your friends, your siblings. Approaching each relationship with real love, keeping in mind these four elements, you can create greater, more meaningful, more fulfilling connections with everyone in your life.
